Ask Lady Coleman
Name: Andrea
Subject: Divorce
Question -
Hi Lady Coleman, I hope you can help me. I have been married to Craig for nearly four years. We had sex before we were married but after I recommitted my life to God we abstained for the remaining 10 months of our engagement. Craig was not happy with this and has withheld sex and affection on many occasions throughout our marriage. Craig has made a
(seemingly genuine) commitment of his own. My problem is Craig's commitment to marijuana, death metal music and pornography. Our emotional, sexual and financial life, in fact our whole lives are severely affected by these. Craig refuses to accept that any of these are a problem. I have read Dr Dobson's "Tough Love" but it only seems to apply when a partner is
aware that they have a problem. I am aware that I have spoilt Craig rotten with 'too much' love and do too much for him. The only thing that keeps us together now is my commitment to God and the promises I made to Him about my marriage when we stood before Him at the altar. A friend told me recently that masturbating to pornography is akin to adultery and
therefore biblical grounds for divorce... is this true? Isn't there some verse about looking at a woman and wanting her being as bad as actually committing adultery? I feel so confused... I am sure God doesn't want me to live like this for the rest of my life, but I have also heard too many people use those exact words as justification for their own divorce.
Please help me.
Andrea
Answer -
Hi Andrea, In MATTHEW 5:28, it says, "But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.". So this means that Craig is definetely committing adultery by
not only LOOKING at pornographic photos, but he's masturbating off of what he's seeing. Now to answer your question, as to whether or not that's grounds for divorce from a spiritual perspective, is a question I honestly cannot answer. What I suggest you do is speak with a counselor at your church about this problem, and whatever advice is given, make sure they
can back up what they're advising with scriptural references.
But I would like to give you some info to meditate on concerning pornography. I did some research and found the following info helpful for you. And I can only hope that this will help you in deciding your future with Craig.
Whether a man is married or single, he is in danger of transmitting the infection of pornography into his current or future marriage. Contrary to what some would have us believe, sexually explicit material does not enhance sex between a husband and wife. Pornography creates unrealistic demands about the frequency of sex, specific sexual acts, and the nature
of a woman's sexual response, to name just a few. Real life seldom lives up to what is represented in the fake world of pornography. And when a husband demands that reality imitate his fantasy, sex becomes empty for him and degrading to his wife. In the end, both feel resentful and less interested in sex with each other.
Further, pornography doesn't create a desire to be close. It destroys intimacy in a marriage. One researcher found that when men were shown pictures of Playboy models, they later described themselves as having less marital love than other men who were shown non-pornographic images.
Many men who devour pornography with their eyes compare their wives to what they have seen. And no wife can live up to the youthful, flawlessly shaped, enhanced image of a centerfold. One wife said, "Although I was careful with my clothes and figure, I found that my husband was increasingly critical of the way I looked. . . . I wasn't attractive enough to compete with eternally young, surgically altered models. . . . In the end, he lost all interest in me as a sexual partner. This had a
devastating impact on my view of my worth as a woman. It created such despair in me that I began to let my appearance go."
Understandably, many wives have a difficult time surviving the fallout from pornography. One wife who caught her husband looking at pornography on the Internet likened it to a bomb exploding in her heart and marriage. Another wife felt hurt, used, and degraded after she caved in to her husband's demands to watch and reenact a pornographic video. Her struggle
to forgive and to believe in him is enormous. Learning to trust her husband again is a long and bumpy process.
Pornography corrupts the minds of its viewers. Emotionally and sexually exciting images set off a physical chain reaction, which burns images that can remain etched in a man's mind for years.
Pornography also teaches men to dehumanize women by viewing them as sexual objects. Men who repeatedly look at pornography lose their ability to give women the respect they deserve. Instead of enjoying the mind and heart of a woman, they focus on her body--undressing her in their thoughts and picturing what it would be like to have a sexual encounter with her. They can mistake a woman's innocent, friendly smile as a flirtatious come-on of a centerfold model. In many cases, they find it difficult and uncomfortable to imagine themselves being involved with a woman in any other way than physically.
As pornography pollutes the mind, it often turns into an enslaving sexual addiction where there is a "continual lust for more" (Eph. 4:18-19). This is why the Old and New Testaments of the Bible tell us that sexual sin captures the body and soul. The book of Proverbs reminds us that "the evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him; the cords of his sin hold him fast"
(Prov. 5:22). This is precisely how men feel who are in sexual bondage.
Men with an addiction to pornography will identify with one or more of the following statements:
I regularly seek out pornography.
I often spend parts of the day looking forward to viewing pornography.
I feel out of control and unable to stop.
I often compare my wife or girlfriend to the women in pornography.
I often choose to look at pornography rather than be sexually intimate
with my wife.
I refuse to tell others that I struggle with pornography.
I tell lies to cover my struggle.
Looking at pornography has led to serious problems in my life (such as a threat to or loss of job or marriage, financial debt, promiscuous or criminal behavior).
The extent of addiction can range from a category one addiction (mild) to a category three addiction (severe). In a category one addiction, a man no longer has a mere casual interest in pornography--he's obsessed with it. He's gone from occasionally running across it to making a conscious effort to seek it out. In a category two addiction, he attempts to bridge the
fantasy world of pornography to the real world. It's not uncommon for a man to try to recreate in real life what he's seeing in pornography. He may try to enact with his wife what he has seen, with or without her knowledge or consent. As his problem deepens, he may hire prostitutes or try to pick up women for "one-night stands."
So as you can see, pornography is a serious thing. Hopefully Craig won't allow it to go this far. The only way your marriage can be saved at this point, is if Craig realizes that engaging in pornography/masturbation is not helpful to the marriage. And we know that prayer can change anything. Keep the faith, and continue to pray for Craig's deliverance from the
"snares of the devil", and hopefully your marriage will improve over time, instead of getting worse.
Take care Andrea!
Lady Coleman
Name: Andrea
Subject: Divorce
Question -
Hi Lady Coleman, I hope you can help me. I have been married to Craig for nearly four years. We had sex before we were married but after I recommitted my life to God we abstained for the remaining 10 months of our engagement. Craig was not happy with this and has withheld sex and affection on many occasions throughout our marriage. Craig has made a
(seemingly genuine) commitment of his own. My problem is Craig's commitment to marijuana, death metal music and pornography. Our emotional, sexual and financial life, in fact our whole lives are severely affected by these. Craig refuses to accept that any of these are a problem. I have read Dr Dobson's "Tough Love" but it only seems to apply when a partner is
aware that they have a problem. I am aware that I have spoilt Craig rotten with 'too much' love and do too much for him. The only thing that keeps us together now is my commitment to God and the promises I made to Him about my marriage when we stood before Him at the altar. A friend told me recently that masturbating to pornography is akin to adultery and
therefore biblical grounds for divorce... is this true? Isn't there some verse about looking at a woman and wanting her being as bad as actually committing adultery? I feel so confused... I am sure God doesn't want me to live like this for the rest of my life, but I have also heard too many people use those exact words as justification for their own divorce.
Please help me.
Andrea
Answer -
Hi Andrea, In MATTHEW 5:28, it says, "But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.". So this means that Craig is definetely committing adultery by
not only LOOKING at pornographic photos, but he's masturbating off of what he's seeing. Now to answer your question, as to whether or not that's grounds for divorce from a spiritual perspective, is a question I honestly cannot answer. What I suggest you do is speak with a counselor at your church about this problem, and whatever advice is given, make sure they
can back up what they're advising with scriptural references.
But I would like to give you some info to meditate on concerning pornography. I did some research and found the following info helpful for you. And I can only hope that this will help you in deciding your future with Craig.
Whether a man is married or single, he is in danger of transmitting the infection of pornography into his current or future marriage. Contrary to what some would have us believe, sexually explicit material does not enhance sex between a husband and wife. Pornography creates unrealistic demands about the frequency of sex, specific sexual acts, and the nature
of a woman's sexual response, to name just a few. Real life seldom lives up to what is represented in the fake world of pornography. And when a husband demands that reality imitate his fantasy, sex becomes empty for him and degrading to his wife. In the end, both feel resentful and less interested in sex with each other.
Further, pornography doesn't create a desire to be close. It destroys intimacy in a marriage. One researcher found that when men were shown pictures of Playboy models, they later described themselves as having less marital love than other men who were shown non-pornographic images.
Many men who devour pornography with their eyes compare their wives to what they have seen. And no wife can live up to the youthful, flawlessly shaped, enhanced image of a centerfold. One wife said, "Although I was careful with my clothes and figure, I found that my husband was increasingly critical of the way I looked. . . . I wasn't attractive enough to compete with eternally young, surgically altered models. . . . In the end, he lost all interest in me as a sexual partner. This had a
devastating impact on my view of my worth as a woman. It created such despair in me that I began to let my appearance go."
Understandably, many wives have a difficult time surviving the fallout from pornography. One wife who caught her husband looking at pornography on the Internet likened it to a bomb exploding in her heart and marriage. Another wife felt hurt, used, and degraded after she caved in to her husband's demands to watch and reenact a pornographic video. Her struggle
to forgive and to believe in him is enormous. Learning to trust her husband again is a long and bumpy process.
Pornography corrupts the minds of its viewers. Emotionally and sexually exciting images set off a physical chain reaction, which burns images that can remain etched in a man's mind for years.
Pornography also teaches men to dehumanize women by viewing them as sexual objects. Men who repeatedly look at pornography lose their ability to give women the respect they deserve. Instead of enjoying the mind and heart of a woman, they focus on her body--undressing her in their thoughts and picturing what it would be like to have a sexual encounter with her. They can mistake a woman's innocent, friendly smile as a flirtatious come-on of a centerfold model. In many cases, they find it difficult and uncomfortable to imagine themselves being involved with a woman in any other way than physically.
As pornography pollutes the mind, it often turns into an enslaving sexual addiction where there is a "continual lust for more" (Eph. 4:18-19). This is why the Old and New Testaments of the Bible tell us that sexual sin captures the body and soul. The book of Proverbs reminds us that "the evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him; the cords of his sin hold him fast"
(Prov. 5:22). This is precisely how men feel who are in sexual bondage.
Men with an addiction to pornography will identify with one or more of the following statements:
I regularly seek out pornography.
I often spend parts of the day looking forward to viewing pornography.
I feel out of control and unable to stop.
I often compare my wife or girlfriend to the women in pornography.
I often choose to look at pornography rather than be sexually intimate
with my wife.
I refuse to tell others that I struggle with pornography.
I tell lies to cover my struggle.
Looking at pornography has led to serious problems in my life (such as a threat to or loss of job or marriage, financial debt, promiscuous or criminal behavior).
The extent of addiction can range from a category one addiction (mild) to a category three addiction (severe). In a category one addiction, a man no longer has a mere casual interest in pornography--he's obsessed with it. He's gone from occasionally running across it to making a conscious effort to seek it out. In a category two addiction, he attempts to bridge the
fantasy world of pornography to the real world. It's not uncommon for a man to try to recreate in real life what he's seeing in pornography. He may try to enact with his wife what he has seen, with or without her knowledge or consent. As his problem deepens, he may hire prostitutes or try to pick up women for "one-night stands."
So as you can see, pornography is a serious thing. Hopefully Craig won't allow it to go this far. The only way your marriage can be saved at this point, is if Craig realizes that engaging in pornography/masturbation is not helpful to the marriage. And we know that prayer can change anything. Keep the faith, and continue to pray for Craig's deliverance from the
"snares of the devil", and hopefully your marriage will improve over time, instead of getting worse.
Take care Andrea!
Lady Coleman
