Ask Dr. Coleman
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Name: Chelsey
Subject: Impatient for marriage
Question:
Hi Dr. Coleman,
I'm having a hard time being patient with God's timing for marriage. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years and have been working extremely hard to stay sexually pure. We are in a long-distance relationship, so that helps with purity, but because of past sexually relationships, it is so hard for me to keep waiting. A lot of our christian friends have been getting married and I have just been getting so jealous. Financially my boyfriend and I are not ready and situationally we are not ready but I feel like every day is such a struggle and I just want to get married so I can stop fighting this sexual battle. How do I stay content with where I am? I just feel like in Jesus' time people got married when they were like 14 and 15 so "waiting for marriage" wasn't as big of a struggle with early christians. Why is it that now it seems unacceptable to get married until you are at least out of college?
Answer:
Hi Chelsey,
First of all, I applaud you and your boyfriend for taking the precautions to remain sexually pure until marriage, and I guess it does help that you are in two different cities.(smile) However, you must not let the "worldly" standards dictate when is the best time for YOU to get married. I'm going to assume that you are in your late teens or early twenties, so if this is the case, you have to pay attention to the wisdom of others. (especially your parents and those who are married or have been married in the past) Someone obviously has told you that you should wait until you finish college to get married....this may have been said because it is known that after marriage, it's very hard to focus on building a career, finishing school, or starting a business, etc. This is because the needs of your spouse takes precedence over everything else. I know this to be the case.
Another thing I want to say is that marriage is not the cure for sexual desire. Sex is just ONE of the important parts to a marriage. If you're battling with temptation in the area of sex now, after marriage, you will have to deal with other problems that may or may not have to do with sex. You don't want to be thinking about the sex part so much that you disregard other important factors that make a marriage last.
Please try not to get jealous over your friends marriages. What always looks wonderful, isn't sometimes. Because every couple have their differences amongst each other, what you see on the surface as far as a wedding, the planning, bridal showers, rings, honeymoon, etc. is just a SMALL part of the marriage itself. After the honeymoon is over, then the marriage starts. And then the hard work really begins!
The bible tells us to rejoice when another receives a blessing or obtains something that we want ourselves, because in doing so, it opens the door for our blessing to come sooner. You may be stopping the flow of things in you own relationship when you harp on the sex part of it, or think about what your friends are doing vs. what's not happening with you and your boyfriend right now.
Trust God's timing, and don't think too much about the reasons why you want to be married. You have your whole life ahead of you! God knows best. When the time comes, you'll be glad that you waited! Trust me.
Below are some scriptures to meditate and pray on that will build your hope and faith in the areas you're dealing with.
Take care!
Dr. Coleman
PSALMS 37: 4-5
Delight thyself in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass. (read all of PSALMS 37)
HEBREWS 10: 35-36
Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompense of reward. For ye have need of patience, that after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.
I CORINTHIANS 6:18
Flee fornication. (fornication- "all sex before marriage") Every sin that a man doeth is without the body, but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
Name: Liz:
Subject: Different religions
Question -
Hello. Well my question is more of an opinion that I am seeking from an outside party. I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over 2 years now. We are finally getting serious enough and talking about marriage and families and things of that nature. Our problem is that we are both of different religious backgrounds and the only time we have disagreements on
our religions is when we discuss having children and their upbringing. He is a Jehovahs Witness and I'm Catholic. He doesn't in anyway want his children to celebrate holidays. I'm not sure if there is anyway to compromise in this situation. I'm willing to not celebrate most holidays with the exception of 2- their birthdays and Christmas. I want my children to be able to decide for themselves what they want to follow and not be forced into one particular religion but I also don't want them confused. I
don't want to end this relationship but it seems as if there's no way we can make this work except not having kids, and that's out of the question for both of us. If you have any suggestions I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks so much for listening and taking time to help me with my problem!
Answer -
Hi Liz, You appear to be in a relationship where you are "unequally yoked". Neither of you are wrong in your beliefs or standards of living, but because you are from two different religious backgrounds, there will always be conflict involving certain issues. And I don't believe a person should give up their beliefs just to please someone else. Unfortunately, in your situation, the only way this problem about children and the celebration of certain occasions will be resolved, is if you put your beliefs aside and follow his religious beliefs in this particular area. And I REPEAT: I DO NOT CONDONE ANYONE GIVING UP THEIR PERSONAL BELIEFS JUST TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A PARTICULAR PERSON.
The man is called to be the head of the woman and the household, and to be the spiritual leader of the family. With that being said, unless you're ready to give up your Catholic beliefs and values, and become a Jehovah's Witness, you shouldn't marry this man. Point blank.
Before, when I was a single, saved, Christian woman, I didn't get seriously involved with men who were not saved Christians as well. For me to have gotten involved with a Muslim, Jehovah's Witness, etc., would naturally have caused disharmony in our spiritual walk together. (MATTHEW 12:25) Jesus knowing our thoughts said that "every city or house divided against itself shall not stand". If you marry your boyfriend, you will have two different religious faiths in one household, and conflict will be inevitable.
Therefore, I would advise you to stay true to your spiritual beliefs, and not compromise them for the sake of having a husband.
**The divorce rate is high enough without people going into marriage thinking things will change or get better.. because it won't. So you have to educate yourself before-hand. And it's good that you're asking about this now before you get married than to get married and have constant battles over the celebration of certain holidays, and the rearing of your children.
Take care Liz, and I hope it all works out for you!
Dr. Coleman
Subject: Impatient for marriage
Question:
Hi Dr. Coleman,
I'm having a hard time being patient with God's timing for marriage. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years and have been working extremely hard to stay sexually pure. We are in a long-distance relationship, so that helps with purity, but because of past sexually relationships, it is so hard for me to keep waiting. A lot of our christian friends have been getting married and I have just been getting so jealous. Financially my boyfriend and I are not ready and situationally we are not ready but I feel like every day is such a struggle and I just want to get married so I can stop fighting this sexual battle. How do I stay content with where I am? I just feel like in Jesus' time people got married when they were like 14 and 15 so "waiting for marriage" wasn't as big of a struggle with early christians. Why is it that now it seems unacceptable to get married until you are at least out of college?
Answer:
Hi Chelsey,
First of all, I applaud you and your boyfriend for taking the precautions to remain sexually pure until marriage, and I guess it does help that you are in two different cities.(smile) However, you must not let the "worldly" standards dictate when is the best time for YOU to get married. I'm going to assume that you are in your late teens or early twenties, so if this is the case, you have to pay attention to the wisdom of others. (especially your parents and those who are married or have been married in the past) Someone obviously has told you that you should wait until you finish college to get married....this may have been said because it is known that after marriage, it's very hard to focus on building a career, finishing school, or starting a business, etc. This is because the needs of your spouse takes precedence over everything else. I know this to be the case.
Another thing I want to say is that marriage is not the cure for sexual desire. Sex is just ONE of the important parts to a marriage. If you're battling with temptation in the area of sex now, after marriage, you will have to deal with other problems that may or may not have to do with sex. You don't want to be thinking about the sex part so much that you disregard other important factors that make a marriage last.
Please try not to get jealous over your friends marriages. What always looks wonderful, isn't sometimes. Because every couple have their differences amongst each other, what you see on the surface as far as a wedding, the planning, bridal showers, rings, honeymoon, etc. is just a SMALL part of the marriage itself. After the honeymoon is over, then the marriage starts. And then the hard work really begins!
The bible tells us to rejoice when another receives a blessing or obtains something that we want ourselves, because in doing so, it opens the door for our blessing to come sooner. You may be stopping the flow of things in you own relationship when you harp on the sex part of it, or think about what your friends are doing vs. what's not happening with you and your boyfriend right now.
Trust God's timing, and don't think too much about the reasons why you want to be married. You have your whole life ahead of you! God knows best. When the time comes, you'll be glad that you waited! Trust me.
Below are some scriptures to meditate and pray on that will build your hope and faith in the areas you're dealing with.
Take care!
Dr. Coleman
PSALMS 37: 4-5
Delight thyself in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass. (read all of PSALMS 37)
HEBREWS 10: 35-36
Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompense of reward. For ye have need of patience, that after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.
I CORINTHIANS 6:18
Flee fornication. (fornication- "all sex before marriage") Every sin that a man doeth is without the body, but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
Name: Liz:
Subject: Different religions
Question -
Hello. Well my question is more of an opinion that I am seeking from an outside party. I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over 2 years now. We are finally getting serious enough and talking about marriage and families and things of that nature. Our problem is that we are both of different religious backgrounds and the only time we have disagreements on
our religions is when we discuss having children and their upbringing. He is a Jehovahs Witness and I'm Catholic. He doesn't in anyway want his children to celebrate holidays. I'm not sure if there is anyway to compromise in this situation. I'm willing to not celebrate most holidays with the exception of 2- their birthdays and Christmas. I want my children to be able to decide for themselves what they want to follow and not be forced into one particular religion but I also don't want them confused. I
don't want to end this relationship but it seems as if there's no way we can make this work except not having kids, and that's out of the question for both of us. If you have any suggestions I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks so much for listening and taking time to help me with my problem!
Answer -
Hi Liz, You appear to be in a relationship where you are "unequally yoked". Neither of you are wrong in your beliefs or standards of living, but because you are from two different religious backgrounds, there will always be conflict involving certain issues. And I don't believe a person should give up their beliefs just to please someone else. Unfortunately, in your situation, the only way this problem about children and the celebration of certain occasions will be resolved, is if you put your beliefs aside and follow his religious beliefs in this particular area. And I REPEAT: I DO NOT CONDONE ANYONE GIVING UP THEIR PERSONAL BELIEFS JUST TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A PARTICULAR PERSON.
The man is called to be the head of the woman and the household, and to be the spiritual leader of the family. With that being said, unless you're ready to give up your Catholic beliefs and values, and become a Jehovah's Witness, you shouldn't marry this man. Point blank.
Before, when I was a single, saved, Christian woman, I didn't get seriously involved with men who were not saved Christians as well. For me to have gotten involved with a Muslim, Jehovah's Witness, etc., would naturally have caused disharmony in our spiritual walk together. (MATTHEW 12:25) Jesus knowing our thoughts said that "every city or house divided against itself shall not stand". If you marry your boyfriend, you will have two different religious faiths in one household, and conflict will be inevitable.
Therefore, I would advise you to stay true to your spiritual beliefs, and not compromise them for the sake of having a husband.
**The divorce rate is high enough without people going into marriage thinking things will change or get better.. because it won't. So you have to educate yourself before-hand. And it's good that you're asking about this now before you get married than to get married and have constant battles over the celebration of certain holidays, and the rearing of your children.
Take care Liz, and I hope it all works out for you!
Dr. Coleman
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Please click the link at the top of the page and put "Ask Lady Coleman" in the subject line of the email. You will receive a response within 2-3 days. Once posted to the site, only your first name will be used for privacy purposes.
